Feminism, As Described By A Sexist Female - Two
Trigger warning, I guess? I don't know of what, exactly.
Today, I brought in a finished piece that I've been working on for the first unit in our Foundations Design I class, which is texture. I had completed it and come to class knowing it was going to be a workday, but figured there may be important information or a group discussion that I did not want to miss. I thought, why NOT come class? That's always a positive decision, right?
Since I had already finished but wanted to participate in the class just by being present while other students (and friends that I have made) worked on their projects, I decided to do research on our candidates for the election coming up. There was something about voting written on the whiteboard in this studio, so it reminded me to make the most of my time whilst still being present.
My professor thought differently. As soon as he walked into the classroom, he immediately began stressing the importance of work ethic, and very quickly started berating me for working on my computer instead of on the project. He asked why I wasn't working on it, I told him that I'd finished, particularly because last class period he had encouraged us "to work quickly" so as to have time to "self-reflect" on the piece. He then asked me: Why did you come to class today, then?
I was shocked. I expressed that I wanted to participate in my friends' works, even if that meant merely being around. I added that he had alluded to there being an attendance grade on the first day (he does not post any grades on our online portal, so I have no idea what grade I currently have).
He said that I need to be working on the project, regardless of whether or not I felt I was finished, otherwise that would affect my grade on the project.
He and some classmates both discussed that grades were not the only thing in the world, that your 'self-worth' is not determined by a number.
You think I don't know that? That is why I am demanding a grade. I work hard. I value my time and my effort. I have more self respect than a majority of young adults, and if I may venture to say, a majority of people in general. I actively seek to become a better version of myself, in every and any aspect of life. That includes my academic standings. I am validated in feeling pride.
Additionally, although my worth isn't determined by my GPA, you know what is? School funding. Scholarships, awards, grants -- they all look at how well you've done in your classes. And you can say that it's not fair, that everything is secretly biased, that they profile or discriminate... In my humble opinion, however, we have to work as hard as possible to get good grades. There are thousands of students. You want a scholarship? You are expected to have something to show for it. I am not in any clubs right now, I work full-time so community volunteering is a difficult scheduling option, so I want those A's and B's. In some ways one could agree that I need those A's and B's to guarantee the furthering of my future career(s) and/or business(es).
I want to bring this all the way back around to systematic oppression, particularly sexism, misogyny, and all-around bigotry. I want to clarify here that I am NOT calling my professor anything close to a bigot, he is most likely an intelligent and well-rounded individual. Quite the opposite, I would be less likely to voice my thoughts and opinions if I did not respect him, and did not have faith that in some way or another, he hears me and takes my perspective into consideration.
However, in any authority-to-subject complex or situation, and in this example particularly one of male authority over a primarily female/women-identifying student make up of this class, there may be instances of implicit discrimination.
No, he has not assaulted or harassed me. He has not made any overtly undermining comments towards women or any gender for that matter. He is not disrespectful nor would I consider him uneducated.
He has instead consistently imposed his ideals and definitions of terminology including but not limited to "art," "conceptual art," "texture," "open-mindedness," "creativity," "uniqueness," and "originality." He has compelled various classmates to continue to work on their pieces according to what he considers the appropriate methods of doing so. He has threatened to use a low grade as a response to my disagreeing with him on those aspects; up until that point, he had never discussed grades and had actually admitted that he was not intending on giving any of us letter grades until the end of the semester. In terms of rubrics and written requirements for projects, critiques, writings, and other works... There are none.
He told me that if I could not add to the original, I am obligated to make a new one. So I did.
I started and nearly finished an entirely different project on the last work-day before the critique. If you have ever taken courses in studio visual arts, I hope you can appreciate my speed.
Returning to sexism -- is it? Is the situation actually sexist? Probably not. I do not believe his actions are inherently targeted towards me due to my femininity, my sex, or my gender. The consequences that I witnessed following my dispute with him, on the other hand, gave me chills. Various female students at my table appeared shocked by my, ah, large mouth. As mentioned before, they commented on "how serious I am all the time" or "how I think they feel" (the women at my table are women of color).
I agree! It sucks that I'm serious all the time! I also apologize for my audacity to demand respect for my person as a woman in front of women of color, when I am of white skin color. I completely agree, that an individual of color could experience much graver consequences by acting similarly to myself in that situation, and it may be considered unfair or disrespectful on my part to aggressively encourage standing up for oneself.
But that's the thing, isn't it? Should I not utilize my platform as a white-passing person to voice awareness of slight details that take a part in the bigger picture that establishes the "system"? Perhaps they may not be important in the classroom, that everyone is here just for a grade or a degree, but I'm not. I am in school to learn and to teach. We should all be learning from one another. My entire life and being is based in speaking on the devil's advocate perspective, as well applying the analysis of the "other's" perspective in social activism. Is that not all that we do, one way or another? Survive, and improve our survival?
The other table congratulated me on my boldness. One young woman expressed inspiration by my "sense of self-respect." Should I doubt their sincerity? Should I continue to question my actions?
Isn't the point that I am continuously expected to question my actions, meanwhile no one enforces the questioning of his? Outside of the classroom, are similar actions reflected in his relationships with other individuals?
Here's where I get to how I am sexist. I expect women to work harder. Not because they are not working hard enough, WE ARE. But in order to overcome these ridiculous circumstances of communication gone wrong, of resentment or envy of one another, of lacking the support from you ladies that I freakin' needed. I stuck my neck out to empower all of us, not just me. I expect courage and strength, not because we should have to prove to others that we have it but because those powers are innate in our spirits and we should NOT BE ASHAMED TO USE IT.
We have had our voices silenced from the beginning of humanity and I AM TIRED OF HOLDING MY BREATH.
I am tired of agreeing for the sake of a man's, or any person's sense of pride.
I am tired of pretending it isn't a serious issue simply because "there are worse things."
I am tired of feeling as if I am acting alone due to fear.
I am tired of having to write this blog post to explain myself.
I am tired of explaining myself.
I want to bring this all the way back around to systematic oppression, particularly sexism, misogyny, and all-around bigotry. I want to clarify here that I am NOT calling my professor anything close to a bigot, he is most likely an intelligent and well-rounded individual. Quite the opposite, I would be less likely to voice my thoughts and opinions if I did not respect him, and did not have faith that in some way or another, he hears me and takes my perspective into consideration.
However, in any authority-to-subject complex or situation, and in this example particularly one of male authority over a primarily female/women-identifying student make up of this class, there may be instances of implicit discrimination.
No, he has not assaulted or harassed me. He has not made any overtly undermining comments towards women or any gender for that matter. He is not disrespectful nor would I consider him uneducated.
He has instead consistently imposed his ideals and definitions of terminology including but not limited to "art," "conceptual art," "texture," "open-mindedness," "creativity," "uniqueness," and "originality." He has compelled various classmates to continue to work on their pieces according to what he considers the appropriate methods of doing so. He has threatened to use a low grade as a response to my disagreeing with him on those aspects; up until that point, he had never discussed grades and had actually admitted that he was not intending on giving any of us letter grades until the end of the semester. In terms of rubrics and written requirements for projects, critiques, writings, and other works... There are none.
He told me that if I could not add to the original, I am obligated to make a new one. So I did.
I started and nearly finished an entirely different project on the last work-day before the critique. If you have ever taken courses in studio visual arts, I hope you can appreciate my speed.
Returning to sexism -- is it? Is the situation actually sexist? Probably not. I do not believe his actions are inherently targeted towards me due to my femininity, my sex, or my gender. The consequences that I witnessed following my dispute with him, on the other hand, gave me chills. Various female students at my table appeared shocked by my, ah, large mouth. As mentioned before, they commented on "how serious I am all the time" or "how I think they feel" (the women at my table are women of color).
I agree! It sucks that I'm serious all the time! I also apologize for my audacity to demand respect for my person as a woman in front of women of color, when I am of white skin color. I completely agree, that an individual of color could experience much graver consequences by acting similarly to myself in that situation, and it may be considered unfair or disrespectful on my part to aggressively encourage standing up for oneself.
But that's the thing, isn't it? Should I not utilize my platform as a white-passing person to voice awareness of slight details that take a part in the bigger picture that establishes the "system"? Perhaps they may not be important in the classroom, that everyone is here just for a grade or a degree, but I'm not. I am in school to learn and to teach. We should all be learning from one another. My entire life and being is based in speaking on the devil's advocate perspective, as well applying the analysis of the "other's" perspective in social activism. Is that not all that we do, one way or another? Survive, and improve our survival?
The other table congratulated me on my boldness. One young woman expressed inspiration by my "sense of self-respect." Should I doubt their sincerity? Should I continue to question my actions?
Isn't the point that I am continuously expected to question my actions, meanwhile no one enforces the questioning of his? Outside of the classroom, are similar actions reflected in his relationships with other individuals?
Here's where I get to how I am sexist. I expect women to work harder. Not because they are not working hard enough, WE ARE. But in order to overcome these ridiculous circumstances of communication gone wrong, of resentment or envy of one another, of lacking the support from you ladies that I freakin' needed. I stuck my neck out to empower all of us, not just me. I expect courage and strength, not because we should have to prove to others that we have it but because those powers are innate in our spirits and we should NOT BE ASHAMED TO USE IT.
We have had our voices silenced from the beginning of humanity and I AM TIRED OF HOLDING MY BREATH.
I am tired of agreeing for the sake of a man's, or any person's sense of pride.
I am tired of pretending it isn't a serious issue simply because "there are worse things."
I am tired of feeling as if I am acting alone due to fear.
I am tired of having to write this blog post to explain myself.
I am tired of explaining myself.
What is art but expression? What is expression but existence?
ABSGELLER
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